Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

New menu item

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.