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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small