😤😤
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
How wrong was this guy?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket