😤😤
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[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: