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Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?