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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Yes my dude
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.