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I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Autocorrect completely socks
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.