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A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
philosophical skeletons be like
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.