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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.