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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My work here is don’t.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter