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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Children of the Corn Man
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
my dog when i have a friend over
