Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

If you breakdance you buy dance.

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.