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I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Okay
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…