Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

My flabber has been gasted.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.