Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Finally, an instrument I can play!

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Me if I was a dog

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.