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MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
HR is giving me a hard time because Iâve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satanâs agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Just heard a young parent say âBrantley is a demon child.â Well, youâre the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
3: I donât want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okayâ
3: And bite people.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
âSo sorryâ – Actually sorry
âSorry about thatâ – Not really sorry
âSorry you feel that wayâ – Not sorry at all
âSorry, but…â – Apologise to me
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? Youâre all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no