😭😭
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Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.