😭😭
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Couple goals
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
wtf is an acronym
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items