😭😭😭
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Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.