😭😭😭
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Cats are still liquid.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
presenting your incognito window wrapped
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
When you let grandma cat sit
