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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?