Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy