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I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
It’s actually Dr. whatever
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Me trying to reach for my goals