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Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.