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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
me logging onto twitter
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I need to sieze this.
