😭😭😭
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Breakfast for Stoners:
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.