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Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”