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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
shazam but for random noises outside
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.