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I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
it’s not been my year
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.