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I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Super Hand Dog Face
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Had an epiphany today.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Seems legit
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.