😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef