😭😭😭
![]()
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
![]()
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.