馃槶馃槶馃槶
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I鈥檓 sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I went from rags to one rag.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I鈥檝e been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It鈥檚 only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Dear people that say new year new me, I don鈥檛 like either one of you
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Maybe it鈥檚 just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I鈥檓 terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You鈥檙e hired
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I鈥檓 going to need help writing his obituary.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
me: i鈥檓 in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o鈥檆lock
me: but I鈥檓 your 10 o鈥檆lock
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I鈥檓 grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
#Caturday
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.