😭😭
You Might Also Like
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???