😭😭
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!