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Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.