😭😭
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth