😭😭
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
The most precious boy
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
