😭😭
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Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Same post same
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Friends that check up on you >