😭😭
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
me watching my own Instagram story
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?