😭😭
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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Breaking news:
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍