😭😭
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I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
im gay on my mothers side
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*