😭😭
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My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?