😭😭
You Might Also Like
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line