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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs