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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
This did not end as expected.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.