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Ok, milkā¦ Check!
Potato saladā¦ Check!
Tomatoesā¦ Check!āSir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?ā
Why is it that āfire sauceā isnāt made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasnāt raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My phone says āmissed callsā. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono Iām sorry
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I canāt call it āGuillotines For Billionairesā because it sounds like weāre trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Me: letās take those jeans!
Her: idk, thatās stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* weāll just walk out with themā¦ no one will notice
Arbyās patron whose jeans I just pulled off: Iāve already noticed
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? Thatās like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Steve : Iām going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I hope this email finds you well. But if youāre well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly Iād feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Todayās homeschooling Google searches:
Me: It just feels like youāre holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Letās see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
Youāre free nowāMom? You know those are just crackers, right?ā
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Turns out my parenting style is more āDisney villainā and less āDisney princess.ā
Oh, I shouldnāt worry? Why didnāt I think of that?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bankā¦ Same
10: Dad, whatās a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son ā¦
[to be continued]
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesnāt really work otherwise.
Come on royal family, itās not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and whatās-his-face.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That Iām here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Donāt you have an office?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?