😲 WTF? 😆
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?