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I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Brilliant!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like