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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
NASA has no chill
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My favorite female superhero
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
smartest karate player in the world
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?