Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

DOOO EEEET

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?