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I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
All I’m saying is that nobody can cook rubbish like last borns. Those creatures can even fry water
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”