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My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
People at work: youâre hilarious,man
Family: youâre really funny
Friends: youâre the funniest guy we know
Twitter: youâre occasionally witty, but donât quit your day job
Wife: youâre an idiot. thatâs not funny.
Me: Excuse me, whereâs the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: âŚ
Employee: âŚ
Me: Or youâll what?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesnât go well itâs always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
genie: u canât have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
âŚOK, thereâs ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. Iâm starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
HER: this isnât working out
ME: is it because Iâm too literal?
HER: I just donât want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and⌠is that a Rolex?
Me: Itâs a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. Thatâs 100% realâŚ
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, Iâve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Thereâs no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as youâre blowing up a rubber glove.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Someone at the grocery store yelled âspaceâ dramatically, and I responded with âthe final frontier,â and now I need a new grocery store.
Iâve got a joke about Sean Conneryâs brotherâs attractive daughter. Itâs pretty niche.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Cats donât tell police where your drugs are.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Word!
Psychiatrist: âYour check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.â
Me: âSo how does that make you feel?â
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? Iâd have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But thatâs really it.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Traditional marriage was between a boyâs parents and a girlâs parents. And maybe some cattle.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
So last night I had a dream that the guy Iâm crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I havenât got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.