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“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
It was worth a shot 😂
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
pep talk
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
getting old is fun
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.