😼🖥️
You Might Also Like
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
called in thicc to work this morning
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.