😼🖥️
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.