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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]