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Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
me when somebody idk start touching me
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?