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I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries