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My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?