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GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭