🙂🐾
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Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.