🙂🙃🥹
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When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me