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Plays βIn Your Eyesβ on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Iβm never leaving this app.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now sheβs signed up for summer school
You canβt embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* β¦To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Used the words βmanic pixie dream boyβ in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it βdream elf pretty boyβ βparty boy dream somethingβ
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
If youβre in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, youβre the manager
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on todayβs sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc heβs βnot so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in generalβ
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
*answers every how are you with, βI donβt know, I donβt speak to me anymore.β
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure