🙅🏻
You Might Also Like
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen