Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Baller is short for ballerina

the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver