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Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.