Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

A roof is a house hat.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME