Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

Me when I try to be useful

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!