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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Somedays I just love AI so much
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Good morning!
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.