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Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number