Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

Oh hi lol

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.