Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].

Wife: omg he just took his first steps!

Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.