🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
bro what is going on at twitter
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.