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still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry