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My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
not seeing the problem
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Every work call, he judges.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.