🤔😂😂
You Might Also Like
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure