🤔😂😂
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Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.