馃馃槀馃槀
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[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn鈥檛 have any
him: i need some space
me: fine i鈥檒l wait outside the bathroom door
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I鈥檝e ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it鈥檚 an episode of housewives
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.