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When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Swedish for common sense.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”