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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.