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This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready