馃ぃ
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I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I鈥檓 gardening?
Her: He鈥檚 a paramedic.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If my bird identification app can鈥檛 pick up a bird I鈥檓 trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I鈥檒l drive my car through the side of your house.
Funny cuz it鈥檚 true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Saturday
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today鈥檚 appointment.
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalape帽o
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company