🤣✨#caturday
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me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me :
All Day At Night
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Welcome
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!